I don’t need an economist to tell me whether we’re in a recession. Because over the past few months, I’ve noticed significant changes in how I’m spending money.  

My weekly afternoon in a coffee shop has become a black drip from Dunkin’. Instead of Honey Nut Cheerios, I’m starting my days with a boxed cereal called “O’s Bee Juice.” And last week, I got invited to a friend’s wedding in a city I’ve always wanted to visit. Normally, I’d plan on attending, perhaps arriving early. But I had to send my regrets — I’d just spent $600 on bulk orders of fluoride toothpaste, water purification tablets and testing kits for measles, E. coliand macroplastics.

Sounds like a recession, no?

A month ago, the soles in my beloved Reeboks finally gave out. But instead of buying a new pair, I bought used — $80 cheaper, with worn treads. When the seller messaged me to let me know they’d shipped, I sent her an article on how, in the event of a widespread currency collapse, gold might be a solid investment. 

“No pun intended — I know gold’s a soft metal!” I said, normally and well-adjustedly, in my email. She did not reply, nor did she accept my Venmo request for a small contribution to what would be our shared investment account, Sharon. 

My partner and I typically go out for dinner once a month. Instead, we haven’t had a date night in months. We’ve been eating at home. Freeze-dried meats and nuts, mostly. It’s fun! We’re super into the survivalist blogs. Did you know that, in the event of a declared nuclear disaster, the federal government can close all the grocery stores? There doesn’t even have to be a nuclear disaster. They could just say there’s one. Then, boom. Living off the land! And, if you’re smart, the towering stockpile of beans and canned tuna you’ve amassed in a matter of weeks. 

Recession indicator! My therapist suggested an increase to twice-weekly sessions. 

Eggs are expensive, right? Last night, I emptied my 401(k) and bought a 51% stake in a venture with a foolproof plan to fund Social Security benefits indefinitely. How? Unclear. The plan involves mining a ton of cryptocurrency, a clandestine minerals contract with a corrupt nation, and exploiting what I’ve been assured is a breachable vulnerability in DraftKings’ parlay payout systems. I invited my therapist to invest, but she’s stopped responding to my emails. 

Victory gardens are inspiring, but they’re also a bleak reminder that our supposedly evolved species isn’t evolved enough to prioritize the herd. In the wild, you’ll see animals banish a pack member if food is especially scarce. What you don’t see, though, are a few wolves, each standing atop a mountain of frozen caribou carcasses, while the rest of the pack fights for whatever trickles down. Put another way, I’m too tired to plant a garden.

Earlier today, my running shoes fell apart. I put a new pair on credit. That should be a recession indicator, but it felt familiar.