Late-night hosts discussed how Donald Trump is tanking the US economy while also detailing the absurd attempts to de-woke the military.

Stephen Colbert

On The Late Show, Stephen Colbert started by talking about the daylight savings leap over the weekend, saying he has “never been more grateful to be one hour closer to the end”.

This week has seen the stock market plummet with the Dow Jones index falling 890 points. Despite attempts, there is “no good way to spin the story” and the news has been “bumming out everybody on Wall Street” with those who work there reportedly exhausted.

“Do you know how hard it is to exhaust Wall Street?” Colbert asked before joking that they wake up to a “hot cup of cocaine and then just to take the edge off, more cocaine”.

He called it the “Trumpcession” and looked at how the same thing happened back in 2020 when it “took a disease to destroy the economy” but “this time, he is the disease”.

He criticised Trump’s “erratic policies” and the chaos that he has brought within his first couple of months, before moving on to the administration’s deletion of all DEI initiatives.

The government “flagged hundreds of words to limit or avoid” including barriers, sex and women. Colbert called it a “list clearly made by men who have experienced barriers having sex with women”.

The ex-Fox News pundit turned military chief Pete Hegseth is “less DEI more DUI” but has been in charge of removing “scary woke words from the internet”.

This has included the deletion of a photo of the Enola Gay plane, which dropped an atomic bomb on Japan during the second world war. Colbert said it had been “replaced with a photo of Enola, your uncle’s longtime roommate”.

He said that Trump was “not just a sack of incompetence and malice, he’s also very thin-skinned”, before talking about his recent meeting with Keir Starmer, who passed on an invitation from King Charles for a second state visit.

Trump then saw Charles meeting with Volodymyr Zelenskyy and was privately fuming that the king makes other leaders feel special too.

“If you thought Charles wouldn’t two-time you, you missed a whole season of The Crown,” Colbert joked.

Jimmy Kimmel

On Jimmy Kimmel Live! the host brought up the “five-year anniversary of the great pandemic”, and reminded his viewers that Trump “announced it would be gone by Easter”.

Now, Kimmel said, there are “lots of new and exciting pandemics to come”, thanks to RFK Jr and as well as measles there is also a “very nasty case of Elon Musk making its way around Washington”.

Kimmel said: “He dresses like the first person eliminated from the world series of poker,” then went on to talk about the acrimonious meeting that saw Musk war with Marco Rubio.

He said that Trump “has to give his pets a constant diet of liberals or they start feeding on each other”, while expressing sympathy for “poor little Marco”, who is the “first mate on the spray-tanic”.

Kimmel also mentioned Pete Hegseth and how he is busy “de-woking our government” including taking the word racism away from any government sites. “That’s one way to stop racism, just quit using the word,” he said.

This week also saw Stephen Miller objecting to a joke on Saturday Night Live, whining about it on Fox News. “These guys that are constantly calling everyone humourless and thin-skinned are themselves humourless and thin-skinned,” he said.

He added that it was “depressing to see these non-people in power”.

Seth Meyers

On Late Night, Seth Meyers said Trump “brags about many things” but one of his top choices is the stock market. He has claimed that when it was high under Biden it was because they were expecting Trump to return.

“I love how Fox hosts have to talk to Trump when he says something insane,” he said, adding how they “repeat his words with a raised eyebrow”.

He added: “I’m starting to think that the business in Fox Business is the same as the business in monkey business.”

As it falls, Trump is now saying that we “shouldn’t watch the stock market”, but Meyers reminded us: “That’s all you’ve talked about for a year!”

There is “anxiety and uncertainty over trump’s tariffs”, which are “more on and off again than Ross and Rachel” and have been allegedly put into place because of drugs pouring in from Canada.

Meyers joked that they have “the politest cartels” and it is an “obviously insane thing to say”.

Trump promised a lot on day one but is now saying that “these things take time”, which led Meyers to say the president had “turned into George RR Martin”.